Transitioning To Change

”Change” is a scary word for many of us; yet the only constant and guarantee in life. There's an ancient Buddhist saying, “Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional”. We can add, “Change is inevitable; progress is optional.

It’s metaphorical and my pleasure to begin this blog in July. As this summer month is upon us, thoughts of birth and water come to my mind. For me, they have close emotional associations. Both of my daughters were born in July. So, I’m “giving birth” once again (without cravings or swollen body parts). Also, summer means going to beaches. I love and look forward to spending time by-and in- as much water as possible. I particularly have a deep love and respect for the sea/ocean. I refer to it as she/her. I resonate with the name Yemaya; of the African tradition of Yoruba (though I'm not a formal practitioner of that system). She is known as the Great Mother. Scientists debate whether or not life began in the ocean; however, they agree that there was moisture involved. Water is an essential medium for life on this planet. It’s a vehicle and/or means of transition.

Definition of Transition, by Merriam-Webster:

The passage from one state, stage, subject, or place to another: change

Ready or not--like it or not--change will come for certain. It’s funny how it’s the one thing we can be sure of and often times the thing we resist the most. Whether we are content with where we are in our lives or dislike what we are doing; the thought of change rattles us to the bone. Perhaps its because we want change on our own terms. We want it smooth easy, comfortable. We want to be able to peep around the corner and see where we wind up is where we really want to go.

Change seldom comes by surprise. We usually have an indication that something is coming down the pike. When we begin to get the signal, some of us consult financial gurus, planners, coaches and counselors. There are those who take a spiritual path of prayer and meditation. The more esoteric go as far as and gazing at tarot cards, runes, or other vehicles of divination; sit before their ancestral pots, or have a psychic reading. Some of us become deer in the headlights and freeze—not knowing what to do or where to turn—or becomes ostriches; who stick our heads in a hole in the ground (while leaving our butts exposed, for a good hard kicking later on). There are those who mix it up a bit, and do a combination or all of the above, at various stages along the way.

Often times our reaction to change is to avoid it or to try to stop it from happening (as if we really can). If we do want the change, we want to control the process and/or the outcome. Control is the operative word. To some extent, we are ALL control freaks. We want what we want, how we want it, when we want it; and we want everyone else to play by our rules in order to deliver our wants accordingly. Doesn’t sound so nice or realistic, does it? It’s not because we are all spoiled and unreasonable (some of us definitely are--to be truthful). It’s because this is how we have been wired since before birth. Think about it. When we were in the womb all of our physical survival needs were met. A mother’s body provides exactly what is needed during each stage of development (even if it takes her hair, teeth, nails, muscle, and last ounce of body fat).

Perhaps this is why birth can be so traumatic. Why should we want to come out of a place where we don’t have to do much? We don’t even have to breathe, pee or poop. It’s all predictable. The downside is, we out grow it. Where we once could flutter and do flips, increasingly becomes constricting. Then something new happens. Our mother’s body is no longer providing all of the nutrients we need; and has begun the process of expulsion. This is transition.

Transition can be challenging. Everyone—including men—wants to know, “Does birth hurt?” Again, “Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.” I’ve only met a couple of women who say they didn’t feel a thing. The baby just slid out. My question is, what drug were they on? Seriously, it can happen—but rarely. Most women experience intense discomfort to extreme pain. How difficult and painful depends on your attitude and how prepared you are (spiritually, physically, mentally and emotionally). Transition is the most painful part of birth. That’s when the body is doing its hardest work to open up and let a new life through. It’s the same with us, as we go through a major change in life. We really feel our growing edges as they push against our old ways of being. Those old ways of being in turn push back and offer resistance. It’s something which cannot be forced either. It's a process. Nevertheless we don't have to suffer. An accepting and allowing mind frame is the attitude which makes us more pliable.

It was 10 years between the births of my children. When the labor began to intensify, and those contractions were hitting fast and hard, I had the reactionary thought, “I remember this. Nope; I’m not going through this again!” All of my informed labor knowledge and techniques left my brain for a few minutes. I tightened every muscle in my body (as if I could stop the process or hold the baby in). Needless to say, that made things even more uncomfortable. I had to relax, open up and accept; and allow my body to do what it needed to do. This is what surrender means. Surrender isn't giving up. It's releasing the illusion of false and forced control. This type of letting go is facing reality and going with the flow.

I’ve met women who speak about how overdue their babies were. “It was as if he/she didn’t want to come out!” Some took as long as nearly a month, before they were born! Having an over termed baby can be a serious complication. These babies are usually larger than average; and that’s added squeeze to an already tight situation. Also, babies’ head bones are normally soft and there’s space for them to overlap and form a kind of a pointy torpedo-like shape, for a gradual dilation of the cervix (opening to the uterus) and smooth exit. Overdue babies’ heads sometimes have already begun to solidify and are more rounded (you get the picture.)

When we don’t want to leave a job, dwelling, relationship or lifestyle we’ve outgrown, life has a way of expulsing us—kicking, screaming, crying or brooding—out and away from the situation in order for us to expand and evolve to the next level. Sometimes we are really hardheaded about it, and it takes a lot of effort to move on. Fear is a large component of why people stay stuck or resist transition and change:

a. Fear of the loss of what was once had--along with the attempt to avoid grief.

b. Fear of not having anything in its place--deficit.

c. Fear of the inability to adapt to something new.

d. Fear of the unknown (what will take its place?)

Guilt and/or obligation are close runners up. Let's add deservability onto the list. I'll speak more about this next time.

Our minds and emotions can put extra and negative stress on us, and don't do anything to change our situations. If your company is downsizing and you are on the definite cut list, or your landlord tells you you have to move from where you've been living for the past 10 years and wants you out--yesterday; no amount of worrying and fear is going to stop it. Worry and fear doesn't stop anything. You are thrust into transition and it would behoove you to behave accordingly.

However it may be, life is moving on. To feel alive, whole and complete we must move forward. We must progress. All of the change in the world does not equate with progress. Progress is optional, nonetheless. Progress takes effort and action. Progress is what motivates us through transitions. Sometimes we don't see the progress we hope for. For instance you are ready and willing to get a different or new job placement and no one is interviewing you for the positions you want. You just might have to take a step side-ways. I don't see it as backwards. You just may have to find something else in the meantime. Whatever you do, be conscious to make a way out for yourself, so you can move forward. For example, if you take a job to get paid and make ends meet, keep looking in your desired field. Don't settle. Always maintain your bigger picture--even if the job pays well. Set aside some money to invest in yourself and/or seek free opportunities which will further your overall goal.

Your baby may need a bit more incubation. You may need to fortify yourself in order to deal with the extra "pull". Becoming discouraged and depleted will not serve you. Lastly, don't borrow other people's worries and negative energy about your situation. I had both of my children naturally and at home. I know plenty of women who have done the same. Those who have opted to go to a hospital or birthing center were very clear and adamant about not having drugs or interventions. They gave birth with the strength of their minds and bodies (the way its been done for millennia). Those who truly needed interventions (due to risk of lost of life of mother and/or child) did the best they could under the circumstances; and after the birth. They simply had to change their plan (accept reality).

In exasperation, my younger daughter said to me one day, “You equate everything in life with birth!” My response was, “That’s right—I do!” Almost 25 years old, I think she’s beginning to get it. Life is a series of cycles of transitions: births, deaths and rebirths.

Some things to do for an easier transition:

1. Feel and Face Your Fears

2. Get Clear About Where You Are and Your Overall Destination

3. Establish a Support Team

4. Address Your Immediate Needs

5. Write Out a Short- and Long-Range Plan

6. Set Deadlines to Accomplish Your Goals

7. Build Steps of Progress; Acknowledge and Celebrate Your Achievements.

Each of these steps merit depth of explanation. I will address them in a series posts; for those of you who desire a metaphorical "mid wife or doula" along with more information on transitions. Meantime ponder on them.

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