Establish A Support Team

As John Donne stated in his poem 400 years ago, “No man is an island, every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main…” We are all interconnected and affect and have an effect on one another. Even though most of us were born alone; and there are times everyone needs solitude, humans are social beings, who are interdependent. This is not to be confused with codependency. The difference is codependency is an unhealthy need for people in relationships to either overly sacrifice themselves, support and enable others who are abusive, have non-productive or destructive behaviors; or be the person in a relationship who has these patterns of behavior (and depend on the enabler). Addiction of some sort is usually in the mix of codependency. Sometimes it can be obvious—as in substance abuse—or it can be emotional and psychological (as in unresolved and unhealed trauma, which fosters dysfunctional neediness). Interdependence is a balanced and healthy relationship of cooperation and support, to achieve positive goals and outcomes.

It’s important to understand, no one person can fulfill all of anyone’s needs. Sometimes as partners, spouses, parents, friends—and even professionals—we can make the mistake of wanting and trying to be others’ “everything” (which can easily slip into a grey zone of codependency). Though our relationships with people may have fluid boundaries (i.e. a close friend can be the one you confide in, to hold some secrets, sound board your ideas on, and vent your frustrations with) he or she is not your therapist. Oftentimes people think and believe something is wrong with the relationship, if they are not playing this type of role for each other. Of course, there are things people share in intimate relationships, which are indications of the type, depth and quality of the relationship; nevertheless, it is not a substitute for and reason to not have others in your life who may be more equipped to be of assistance and support. There is such a thing as T.M.I. (Too Much Information) in relationships. It’s not always a good idea to share every horrific detail of an experience with someone who may not be able to handle it. Also, you and your loved ones can become overwhelmed. Everyone has their own pile to deal with.

Getting support may be difficult for people who culturally are not accustomed to sharing their “business” with strangers (or anyone else, for that matter). Coming from a Caribbean background, I know how tight-lipped and guarded people can be. There is also a stigma attached to needing and seeking mental health services, financial assistance and other social services. People in small and close communities have fear and shame about who knows and will spread gossip about their situation (and this does happen). If this is the case, you must weigh what is really—I mean really—important. The bottom line is: people will always find something to talk about. On the other hand, if they are paying too much attention to your life, they aren’t minding their own business and tending to theirs. We all want our lives to be perfect. Some people want to look like they have it all together all of the time. Life just isn’t always that way—for anyone. It’s no news, stuff happens (maybe not exactly the same for everyone; but everyone has something to deal with at some point). We have to go beyond “looking good” and “saving face.” It’s time to drop the mask. If your spouse is an abusive alcoholic, who beats you and the kids, and you decide to get out and go for help, isn’t that a positive for you—all way around? It’s a step out of codependency into interdependence. It’s standing in your power. If your location experienced a disaster, you lost your job, or you are simply having a difficult time making ends meet and you qualify for government benefits, should you not accept them because of what your neighbor may think, or you have a negative belief about people who do? If you or a family member has a mental illness and functioning is becoming more and more difficult, should you or your beloved and the entire family suffer because that’s considered being “crazy”? Motivational speaker Les Brown is quoted to say, "Ask for help, not because you're weak, but because you want to remain strong.”

Everyone needs a support team. Remember, no one is anyone’s everything; so, team is the operative word. It can be made up of at least three resources, depending on your situation:

1. *A Professional Mental Health Care Provider, i.e. therapist, social worker, psychologist, counselor

2. Clergy or Spiritual Teacher of your belief system

3. Medical Doctor (who is familiar with your history or establish one)

4. Financial Advisor (accountant, banker)

5. Lawyer or Legal Advisor

6. Support Groups i.e., A.A. Al-Anon, and other 12 Step programs

7. N.A.M.I. (National Association for Mental Illness)

8. Professional Bereavement Support

9. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: Call 1-800-273-8255 (1-800-273-Talk)

These are a few examples. Having a professional mental health care provider is someone everyone can benefit from—and is essential for getting through any tough circumstance. Some people depend solely on their clergy person; however, unless they are specifically knowledgeable, educated and trained in psychotherapy, they most likely will not be effective in helping you with some deep issues. They would be a great asset to your team, nonetheless.

A support team isn't only for situations that are dire and serious. You may want or need assistance in achieving your dreams, goals and fulfilling your feelings of purpose or just want to expand your life. There may not be anyone you know personally who share your interests; and it's wonderful to be involved with others who do:

1. Personal Trainer or Fitness Coach

2. Certified Holistic Health Practitioner or Consultant

3. A Meetup Group of People with Similar Goals and Interests

4. A Study Group

5. Mentorship Programs

6. Internships

7. Clubs

It's very common to have a combination team. You can utilize the library or internet and see what is available for your particular needs. Just make sure whomever you contact is legitimate and reputable. Known recommendations are very useful. You have to open up and give people you can trust a window in, to receive their assistance and support. It's also important to safely explore new and different situations, where you may meet people who have the potential of becoming members of your support team.

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