Face and Feel Your Fears

“Face and Feel Your Fears.” Is easier said, than done; nevertheless, possible to do. It takes some effort to move through fear. Some people stay stuck in fear, because the pay-off is they don’t have to do anything, or something different. That’s the misuse of fear. Fear isn’t a negative emotion. Fear-- if used correctly-- can mobilize us. Spelling the word F.E.A.R. out and using it as an acronym, “False Evidence Appearing Real” has become worn out and has lost its effect. People have some things in their lives, which are presenting some pretty real evidence that there is something to be afraid of or about: Spending time in hospice with a loved one; and fearing how you are going to continue life without them, is a big fear. Being unfairly evicted, while not having substantial income; and having young mouths to feed, can make someone’s nervous system overload. Finding out a recent lover is H.I.V. positive, and knowing you had unprotected sex, can cause your life to flash before your eyes.

These are just a few things, thousands—if not millions—of people deal with. Fear would be a natural response; and to tell someone not to feel their fear is insensitive and not healthy for that individual. People need to face and experience their fears by journeying through them; in order to process and release them. The examples I used are obvious. They are known triggers. Often time people don’t recognize they had an experience which caused a fear response; and therefore, don’t know they are in a state of fright. They sometimes need a little help pressing the re-wind button and reviewing situations and circumstances in their lives, in order to pin-point their emotions. These people sometimes act out and don’t know how to effectively communicate with themselves—let alone others. It’s not anything to be ashamed of. It’s a matter of willingness to learn oneself and grow.

In this case, the obvious triggers I used as examples aren’t obvious to those who are used to suppressing or displacing their feelings. Facing what is happening and the feelings which go along with it can be as overwhelming—or sometimes worse—than the situation; for some who can’t handle the truth of their circumstances (and who now must develop the appropriate emotional muscles to deal with life’s challenges). Emotional “muscles” begin to develop before and during birth. These are the reflexes and reactions we have to our environment (which includes our birth mother’s fluctuating emotional chemistry). We also hear sounds which startle, soothe us, and feel pleasant and unpleasant sensations.

A person in crisis doesn’t have time and focus to do the analytical work to discover they may have distinct patterns of reoccurring situations in their lives, and emotional reactions to them, which are deeply rooted in the past—usually childhood. That’s something which can be delved into later, after the “fire” is squelched. Meantime the fear in the immediate situation must be addressed by:

1. Looking at your behavior; acknowledge there has been a change.

People in fear mode often act like deer in the headlights; they freeze and become stoic and unaffected, become tired and lethargic or erratic, angry and hostile. Some loose their appetites, while others binge. Drug and/or alcohol use my increase; as well as sexual activity or inability. Someone may notice before you do.

If someone points out the change in you, look in the mirror. No need to be defensive or take things out on others.

2. Getting clear on what you are afraid of.

Sit down, be still and have a conversation with yourself. If your mind is reeling, write your thoughts out. It doesn’t matter if its random or they sound irrational or downright crazy to you. Just get it out in front of you, so you can look at it, dissect and examine it. This doesn’t mean you’ll have answers at this point. If you don’t have the where with all to do it alone, find a professional to speak with (it could be a therapist, social worker, counselor, clergy person—who is trained in psychology).

3. Own an “It Is What It Is” attitude.

No amount of denial is going to change what is. Optimism is based in reality—not denial. Once you see the truth, you can seek and find the best way to deal with it.

4. Asking yourself, “Have I gone through this before?”

If the answer is yes, don’t get caught up and stuck in self judgement, victimization or feeling defeated. Those feelings may come up—that’s natural. Let them pass through. Breathe them out (literally, use your breath). This question is to simply realize, in this moment—for however long-- you are still here, living and breathing on this planet. See what is similar or different about the situation this time. Again, don’t get caught up in negative criticism or feelings of emotional exhaustion (“I can’t go through this—again”). Guess what, you are. What feelings you focus on will only intensify. Even if you have gone though something similar, it is not the same. That experience made you different in some way. Take from it what you can use and leave the rest.

5. If the answer is no, be willing to learn about your situation or condition.

Someone else has gone through it. We are unique, nevertheless, we are one and very much the same. Do some research. These days you can Google just about anything. Find positive, optimistic, knowledgeable people—who can help you! Commiserating and complaining with your best buddy, may be a good vent to let out some steam; but can also keep you stuck in your feelings of fear and hopelessness, if they don’t know any more than you. You may need to speak with whomever is relative to your situation: a lawyer, community advocate, a variety of health experts, organization professionals, etc. Empower yourself by seeking assistance and useful information.

As children, many of us learned to be afraid of the dark. Is there fear of the dark because of the loss of the sensory power of sight? Darkness can feel like blindness. If it’s not pitch-black, shadows create illusions and distortions, which become the phantoms of the imagination. Are there things which only appear or come out in the dark; or are they there all along, but the darkness gives them strength and make the fearful weakened?

The fear of fear, is the fear of darkness many of us continue to carry. It’s really the fear of the unknown—of not knowing. Once we have some tools we can move through the fear and circumstances a bit easier. We still must face and deal with what we must; however, fear will be a liberator, instead of a prison. When we admit we feel afraid, then face our fears, we can begin to utilize and feel our power and take the necessary actions to change our lives; or accept what is inevitable and unavoidable. By doing this, we also prepare those who are our lives impact.

There's a saying that has been said by many throughout time, in many ways; the message is the same: "You can't be brave, if you don't feel afraid."

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